Easter: When Ishtar and Moloch welcome you and your family to their celebration.
Eating Disorder: The application of mustard to one’s hamburger.
Ecclesiastic: One whose keeping account of your soul keeps his account out of the hole.
Ecosystem: Possible harbinger of an exosystem.
Education: What remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. – Albert Einstein
Ego: When E’s ready to leave.
Electile Dysfunction: When you can’t get up for either candidate.
Election Day: Halloween afterthought.
Electoral Collage: a. Where legislators are trained in the nuances of properly drawn electoral maps
b. Unskilled and unknown, but they pick the next clown.
Electric: What sort of trics were you expecting?
Electromagnetic Interference: What may be experienced when one sneezes and their pacemaker closes the garage door.
Electrometer: Sanitize hands after using.
Elocution: Death by rhetoric.
Emergency: An opportunity available equally for the benefactor as for the thief.
Emphasize: To italicize a lie.
Energy Crisis: When the coffee pot is empty.
English Teacher: One who finds more in the tale of Romeo and Juliet than Shakespeare could have possibly ever realized.
Enigma: Puzzled purgative.
Enthusiasm: Buoyancy of spirit lasting until reality is met
Epicurean Paradox: a. The mechanism that allows unbelievers personal license. b. Buy now. Pay later.
Epiphany: The realization that one of your kids has disconnected your life support and started charging his cell phone.
Epitaph: Belated Compliment.
Errand: Sinners refrain: Err and. Err and. Err and ever again.
Errant: There always seems to be one.
Errogant: a. When you are completely wrong, but you are also totally certain about it. b. A narcisissist suffering from Dunning Kruger effect.
Errorist: That person who will comb through your most scholarly essay to find one grammatical mistake and use it to discredit the entire work.
Ersatz: I always thought it was a noun. Sorry I blamed the dog.
Esoteric: Trust me. It’s too complex for you to understand.
Escapade: When some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
Et Al: How your years of research and collaboration may be dismissed by the addition of just two syllables
Et Cetera: Latin phrase used to disguise the fact that you really haven’t done all your research.
Etymology: Misunderstanding the definition of this word really bugs me.
Eventuate: That huge lasagna you could not resist. And then you needed Cannoli?
Evian: You felt good when you bought it. How about now when you’ve read it backwards?
Excretive Speech: Bowel language.
Excursion: An excuse given while drunk.
Exercise: a. I thought you said extra fries. b. Or was it accessorize?
Exhaustupid: When overthinking causes one’s brain to give up and run away.
Expectorate: When what you expected failed because you had not opened the window.
Experience: What we call our mistakes.
Expert: Ex=has been. Spurt=drip under pressure,
Explains: Where the deer and the antelope ain’t.
Exponent: The guy who just floored you.
Extradition: The way things were in the good old days.
Extraveganza: More veggies than needed.
Extinction: Finally! World peace.
Extreme: Dry river bed
EZ-Pay: The vampire attached to your bank account.