Cabotage: What the picky eater did with the slaw.
Cadet: Villian in progress.
Cadillac: You’re carrying your own clubs.
Calamity: a. Misfortune to ouselves b. Good fortune to others.
Calculus: You can’t understand it; therefore, math is racist.
Callipygian: An adjective of unexplainable interest to certain quarters of our population.
Calories: Tiny creatures in your closet that sew your clothes a little tighter every night.
Calumnus: Graduate of the school for scandal.
Campaign: It’s the pain with no relief.
Campaign Promise: Proof that history repeats itself.
Camping: When you spend a bunch of money to live like a homeless person.

Canada Dry, Drink: I tried it, but there was too much. I think I passed out.
Cancellation: Social Justice sentence for the capital crime of mopery.

Canopy: Trucker’s Lemonade.
Cantaloupe: When you’re all dressed up and can’t find the ladder.
CantankRus: Leading retailer of tanks. – The Uxbridge English Dictionary
CAPITAL CRIME: WHEN YOU POST IN ALL CAPITALS JUST TO ANNOY YOUR READERS.
CAPITALISM: FORMAL WORSHIP OF UNCIALS.
Capitol Crime: One committed as a capitol offense.
Caprice: What you may have to pay for that stupid hat.
Captcha: A security feature so no one else can pay your bill.
Carbon Dating Site: Where geezers find their best match.
Carowner Virus: The malady discovered when the guarantee is over.

Carpentry: The doorway for ornamental fish. – The Uxbridge English Dictionary –
Carpet: The one who always hogs the window.
Carpeting: An activity commonly accompanied by noteworthy views of city lights or other vistas.
Carrion: What you hope is not going in the overhead.
Carrot: What happens when you ignore that minor bump.
Cartologist: Road Scholar.
Cashew! Gesundheit!
Castanet: When you still want to fish, but you’re out of bait.
Cat: a. A small furry narcissistic sociopath who rules over your house, but manages to look cute and innocent while doing so. b. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. – Ambrose Bierce
Catacombs: Feline grooming service.
Catalyst: Sylvester’s family tree.
Catastrophic Converter: The tiny button sentencing you to a half hour of excruciating boredom over something you don’t need and can’t afford.
Catholic: One given to the veneration of felines.
Catstrophe: What Fluffy just dragged in.
Cellfish: When you spend all your time on your phone, ignoring others.
Cell phone: a. Traditional communication device for Tardigrades. b. A popular personal device, both communicator and computer, with the added advantage of shielding one from personal contact.
CenoSillicaphobia*: Fear of an empty beer glass (or wine, etc.) * Since it’s an actual definition, some may ask why it could be defenestrated. The answer lies in the state of mind common to those so afflicted.
Cereal Killer: Wanted in the disappearance of Cappy Crunch, Tony Tiger, Buzz Buzzby, Pop Crackle, Sam Toucan, and the UN Emissary from Transylvania, Count Choco, with whispers of foul play lingering in the breakfast aisle.
Champagne: Pain associated with having to miss work for chugging practice.
Chaos Theory: Mathematical principle that advanced systems are wholly unpredictable due to the introduction of random tweets. – Wiley’s Dictionary –
Chauffeur: Embarrasing wardrobe mishap.
Cheap Suit: What you get from a lawyer who works pro bono. – Wiley’s Dictionary
Chem trails: Jet engine fumes that are most attracted to tinfoil headwear. – Wiley’s Dictionary
Chicanery: Machiavellian game of pin the tail. Best accomplished when onlookers are blindfolded.
Childhood: a. Very young gangsterb. When you don’t have to be drunk to make stupid decisions. c. The period of human life between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth, two removed from the sin of manhood and the remorse of age. – Ambrose Bierce
Childish: A bit like a child, but, on closer inspection, more like a politician.
Chiroraptor: If he can’t spell it, you probably should stay home.
Chocolate: If you’re late, it’s already ate.
Cigarasaurus Rex: He didn’t believe his parents when he got started on Camel Lights.
Circumference: If it hadn’t happened when I was born, I don’t think I would have gotten a round to it.
Circumlocution: Prolixity with a dash of complexity.
Cistern: Locker Room Guide*. Cistern (|) versus Transtern ||| *Don’t be fooled, as the designations are reversible.
Clamity: It started like such a lovely day at the beach.
Classics: Books everybody praises, but nobody reads.
Clear Conscience: A sign of a fuzzy memory.
Claustrophobia: Irrational fear of oddly dressed winter visitors.
Click: An invitation to a half-hour sales video for a product you finally realize you don’t want and can’t afford.

Cloister: A gathering of shellfish.
Coastline: That line on your gas gauge that has you praying you won’t have to go uphill.
Coffee: The person upon whom the coffer coughs. (First noted in Washington Post 2015.)
Coffer: The person behind you in line, clearing their throat.
Coffin: a. Wooden onesie. b. Where the coffer stops coffin. c. The last thing on your bucket list.
Cold Snap: Anatomical proof of climate change.
Collusion: When there are two figments in your imagination.
Colonies: Settlements along the Alimentary Canal.
Colonnade: Vile-tasting remedy for upset stomach and indigestion.
Colophon: Communication device for borborygmi.
Colophony: Alimentary language.
Comedy: What the world would be like were we not forced to live in it every day.
Comeuppance: What you pray for when caught with them down.
Comfortable: Research has shown beds to be preferable.
Common Sense: A primitive form of reasoning now being replaced by sciolism.
Completion: The origin of second thoughts.
Concourse: What the Sopranos study in the slammer.
Concurrency: Barter bucks for use in the slammer.
Condense: Thick in the nick.
Confounded: Australia.
Congressional Inquiry: “You never can tell, when you’ve opened a hell, how soon you can put back the lid.” – Rudyard Kipling
Conjunction: Where gangsters gather.
Conscience: a. The inborn mental faculty that guides our moral behavior. It comes with a convenient on/off switch. b. Popular subject for study in the slammer.
Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. – Ambrose Bierce
Constable: Where the Sopranos gather for dinner.
Consult: Disrespectful invective from behind bars.
Contact us: Thank you for calling. Your call is just another rant to us. All our reprehensives are busy with other criers. Please continue to grate. Your call will be answered in a manner you wouldn’t believe.
Contemporary: A short stay in the slammer.
Continence: The firm ground we long for, before they added that dreaded prefix.
Contradiction: That other scoundrel’s lie.
Contrition: Slammer sorrow.
Conundrum: Problematic method of birth control.
Converse: Rhymes when doing time.
Example: – “I think that I will never see . . . a tree.-“
Cookies: a. What we warn our children of before they play in the park. b. What our children warn us of before we play on the net.
Coolant: Fashionable formican.
Coprolalia: Vowel incontinence.
Copulate: You’re here, but the payroll is already gone.
Cornish: A little bit corny, but not quite.
Coroner: A public servant charged with the slicing and dicing of those subjects brought to him to determine if they are dead. After inspection, they usually are.
Correctangle: A polygon after having angular affirming care. No species is safe.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, Oughta: It’s like that sometimes. Get over it.
Counterculture: What you forgot to clean up after last night’s dinner.
Counterfeit: Able to perform mathematical calculations with one’s feet.
Counter-Revolution: When Lazy Susan develops a mind of her own.
Courage: Knowing it might hurt, but doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same thing. And that’s why life is hard.
Covert: New member of secret religion.
COVID-19: a. The process by which your circadian rhythm is reset to Pandemic Standard Time. b. A staay that will livein infamy.
Cowardice: Mental inclination known to prevent disobedience.
Crampon: Dystopian feminine hygiene product.
Crapulent: Having succumbed to beer pressure.
Crash Course: School for stunt drivers.
Cremation: a. Chosen by those hoping for a smoking hot body. b. Alternate for those who think out of the box.
Criminal Charges: Credit card interest rates.
Critical Race Theory: When you are unfit to walk across the street in another’s shoes.
Croissant: Mom’s sisters only count for so much.
Crop Dustring: Breaking wind while walking past others.
Croquette: Baby gator.
Cultural Appropriation: Unlicensed representation of the diverse.
Cumberless: Severe shortage of raw materials at Vlasic.
Curator: I warned her not to go near that dog.
Curdles: Dog show competitive event.
Cured: Good news for people. Bad news for pigs. – Wiley’s Dictionary –
Curfew: A small collection of canines.
Currant events: Hopefully, they will be oatmeal raisin cookies.
Current event: When Peter pokes his fork in the toaster.
Cursory: Where toddlers learn to swear.
Cursive: Punitive exercise inflicted on grammar school boys, known to cause the development of expletive speech.
Curtail: Canine signaling device.
Cyber: A prefix indicating that what follows is of great intellectual worth and may not be challenged.