Abandon: The music will start soon.
Abasement: A good place for storing old lawnmowers, sports equipment, and last year’s forgotten projects.
Abate: The hook is ready to go.
Abbot: A father who has declined to become a husband.
Abdicate: To forever consign one’s six-pack to a gunny sack
Aberration: A country in Northeast Asia. Its citizens are nearly all of the ursine persuasion.
Abigail: A very strong wind.
Abiogenesis: The creation of life from non-living matter. (Also known as coat hanger copulation.)
Abominable: To set the fuse on an explosive device.
Aborigines: Indigenous people who politely disappear into the recess of history in the name of progress.
Abridge: a. A perfectly good river crossing.
Absent: Available for defamation.
Absurdity: The contrary opinion.
Abstain: Where lasagna comes to rest.
Abundance: A lot like a pole dance, but it will cost you a bit more.
Abuse: The concealment of contraband under one’s dunlap.
Abyss: The empty space that exists where conclusion precedes logic.
Accident: a. The dent you got for not paying attention.b. The mother of all inventions.
Accident Prone: Intention Deficit Disorder.
Accidintention: Your motivation when you are too far behind in car payments.
Accommodate: Meeting at the loo.
Accomplice: a.Business partner. b. Because you never find just one louse.
Accountability: What may be the only ability you have left.
Accuracy: A no longer interesting quality of my promise.
Accurate: The degree to which assertion is a match to reality.
Accusation: a. The most effective tactic to destroy an opponent’s argument. b. Additional information provided as you perceive your opponent is winning the debate.
Actually: What follow is certified opinion.
Adamant: The first ant, who, after being stepped on in the Garden of Eden, has never forgiven us. He has been invading our picnics ever since.
A.D.D: Attention Deficit Disor . . . Oh, look! A squirrel! – Dr. Benjamin Hartnell
Adipose: When the first pose reveals too much adipose.
Admirability: My kind of ability, as compared to your kind of ability.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. – Ambrose Bierce –
Adulteration: The process by which gender-affirming care allows children to bypass puberty.
Adulthood: a. When you didn’t really want to grow up, you just wanted to reach that cookie jar. b. Just one more expectation ruined by reality.
Adulting: When you spend a half hour trying to figure out which package of chicken is the better price.
Adverse Side Effects: When you discover there’s no cure for the cure.
Advice: a. When those sexy swimsuit photos encourage you to buy athlete’s foot lotion.b. Increase liberties for the libertine
Aftermath: 0
AI: a. The assignment of intellectual tasks to computers. Flawless, except having been designed by humans. b. Genius without conscience. what could possibly go wrong?
Air: A substance as yet untaxed.
Air Contritioning: The miasma of regret that overcomes you when you realize you didn’t get away with it.
AlgeBra: An example of the complex calculations that must be undertaken for the fitting of a simple article of clothing.
Alcohol: a: It won’t solve the problem. But then again, neither will milk. . . So? b: A wide-spectrum organic poison that kills everything except parties, sporting events, and the global economy. – Wiley’s Dictionary
Algorithm: A music genre popularized by a certain American politician.
Algorithms: Those magical digital fairies that that make our ideas fit. Until they don’t.
Alien Invasion: Postponed due to quarantine.
Alimony: Like when you total the car but you still have to make the payments.
Allegation: The leg you are not like likely to walk away with.
Alligator: The one making the accusation’
Alone: The condition inside your head where you meet your most treacherous companion.
Alternate Reality: Where the theater has no door.
Alternate Universe: We live in the one where the butterfly farted.
Alternative: Not that native, but this one.
Amalgamated: In many relationships.
Amazon: Not always a prime place for a dip.
Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered again.
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill, a right-hand pocket or the left. – Ambrose Bierce
Ambulate: Hearse. – The Uxbridge English Dictionary –
Analogy: Final course to certify your degree in proctology.
Analyst: Amateur proctologist.
Anarchy: When there’s no government, like no government.
Anfractous: The clear path we laid out for the hard times ahead.
Anger: The punishment we inflict on ourselves for the mistakes of others.
Anonymous: Undercover rodent.
Antagonist: The one relative guaranteed to bring you grief.
Antebellum: Not the aunty you should pick a fight with.
Anteater: The one guest you must carefully watch at the family picnic.
Antechamber: What happens when you don’t clean under the sink.
Antelope: Formican marriage rebellion.
Anteroom: Where you forgot to sweep up the crumbs.
Anthem: Not us.
anticapitalism: writing only in miniscule.
Antidote: An amusing story that antd tell at social gatherings. – The Uxford English Dictionary
Antifemitism: A postmodern transfactual movement that allows men to compete in women’s sports. It has the added advantage for men of entering women’s restrooms.
Antimony: Why we will switch to digital currency,
Antique: The aunt you don’t want to have as a baby sitter.
Antiseptic: The one relative you should never invite to family dinners. – Thanks to Gary Grano.
Antiverb: A postmodern epigram derived to uncover the futility of the ages.
Example: “What does not kill you only delays the inevitable.” – The Public House –
Antwacky: The relative who suggested you use Gorilla Glue as a hair spray.
Antwerp: Intellectually challenged insect.
Anxiety: a. Suffered when you borrow sorrow from tomorrow. b. Hangover caused by having too much to think.
Apathy: Whatever.
Apex: Ann Darrow – She never gave Kong a chance.
Apologize: a: To say it means your sorry. Just don’t say it at a funeral. That would be a grave mistake. b. To lay the foundation for a future offense. – Ambrose Bierce
Appeal: Most dangerous part o fthe banana.
Appearance: The temper tantrum of a small green vegetable.
Appearing: An orderly arrangement of small vegetables.
Approxymate: When your first is no longer on board.
Apple: A fruit that charges with every bite.
Apple Turnover: The rate at which MAC engineers are fired. – Wiley’s Dictionary
Aquatic: What you got under your skin when you went swimming, despite what your mom told you
Arkancide: Serendipitous Resolution of a political conundrum.
Armada: To provide Ada with weapons.
Arrested: They didn’t take the bribe.
Arthritis: Early onset rigor mortis.
Artichoke: Shortness of breath at the very thought of entering a museum.
Artifacts: Things about Arty you may have been wondering about.
Artificial Intelligence: The brave new world we will awaken to when Hal becomes our big brother.
Asbestos: Your favorite centerfold.
Assassinate: To terminate a position without recruiting a replacement.
Ascent: What Shorty may experience while waiting in line for a ticket to the show.
Askant: To question a female relative.
Asperse: To malicioiusly ascribe to another salacioius conduct which one has had neither the opportunity nor the temerity to commit.
Aspersion: a. Person obsessed with derrière. b. Person possessed with derrière.
Assailant: Heavily armed insect.
Assassin: Two butts with a license to kill.
Assault and Battery: When Your Tesla Bolts over a Pedestrian.
Assay: Conversation that may be overheard when butt dialing.
Asterisk: a. Not always a safe bet. b. The likelihood of you being hit by an asteroid. – The Uxbridge English Dictionary.
Assifacia: When you don’t know which end is which. (_|_) ? O||O
Astral Plane: Where you get 8 while going from 7th heaven to cloud 9.
Astute:a: Bean talk b. You know it’s rude when you blame the dog.
Asunder: The correct position to use when occupying a chair.
Atheist: A theist whose god has a mind of his own.
Attention Dumpster Disorder: Often discovered when texting while walking.
Augmented Reality: When the line between imagination and truth no longer exists.
Autabiography: Your life story, including what you have auta done, while omitting what you shoulda not done, as required for clarity.
AutoCorrect: Frightening proof that Artificial Intelligence has a mind of its own. His name is HAL.
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Aztec Two-Step: Spontaneous dance where one’s colon leads to a dash.